Why blog?

I'm at an odd point in my life. After 15 or so years of fighting the symptoms of this weird condition, I may actually be coming to terms with it and its implications. Perhaps its more an age thing that comes with nearing 40 (I'm a particularly philosophically point of my life) or being single after leaving a very long relationship. Well whatever the reason, there's no denying that my thinking has changed.

Narcolepsy affects me far more than I have previously admitted. I don't like to be defined by it and continually work hard to keep my weak times away from others eyes. I'm an expert at hiding my tiredness and always embarrassed when a situation arises where I'm not able to. Its been difficult to shake off the notion that each time I have an episode, I have failed in some basic way.  Previously, I was caught in a vicious cycle of fighting to be perceived as 'functioning well'; viewing failures as examples of why I needed to try harder.  Only now I can see how ridiculous and negative it all was. I have had my fair share of  frustrations and anger at the half life that I have been forced to live. I constantly compared myself to others who find it easy to hold down a job, maintain a family AND have some form of social life. The elusive complete package that I would love to have the energy for. It has squashed my ambition to be 'successful' and made me really think about the importance of happiness.  I now place more focus on the concept of 'time' and try to make better use of the limited amount I have.  Also I have come to appreciate some of the gifts that narcolepsy has given me. Yes, you did read that right. The ability to lucid dream is awesome. I have sought refuge in my dreams often. Woven a world where nothing is impossible and feels as real as anything experienced whilst awake. They play out like entire films, with stories so vivid and full of life, that I'm sometimes sad to wake. So I'll revisit another time, just like pressing play on a DVD player.

I have learnt to appreciate what I have and not what I haven't; a simple case of the glass being half full rather than half empty. I'll be honest, it took a lot longer than I ever imagined to put the measuring stick away and stop comparing myself to others. I now hope to help others do the same.